Personal Experiences

Yesterday what I wrote mostly came from the Institute Manual about being born again. Today I will share some personal thoughts. I believe the Lord works in many different ways to help bring about a spiritual birth or rebirth when we open our hearts to Him and sincerely ask for the blessings we need to help us spiritually.

Back in 1977 I was a young wife and mother of five little boys. We had moved to a fairly new town that was noted in the area for being quite "ritzy," and indeed most of the homes there were larger and much nicer than the one we had built. Because of that and other factors, I'd let my mind dwell too much on what we had or didn't have. I also had what we jokingly called the "Bloomington Blues," which meant I felt like no one cared that we were there, and if we were to disappear, no one would even notice. (We joked about it because others complained of the same affliction.) I felt quite irritable and discontented much of the time.

In Testimony Meeting the first Sunday in September, a woman was telling how her life had changed since becoming a member of the Church. The negative thought came to my mind that I had been a member of the Church all my life, but what was it doing for me? That thought really shocked me! I had a strong testimony that the Gospel is true, especially since my seminary days, and the Church had always been at the center of my life. How could I think such a thing?? I realized I was off track, spiritually. The following days found me on my knees alot, and I began reading Talmage's "Jesus the Christ."

The following Thursday my husband called from work to see if I had heard on the radio that the daughter of a couple in our Ward had been hit by a car and killed while out jogging early that morning. I didn't know them very well, but the news nearly wiped me out. All I could think about was the mother and what this must be doing to her. The next evening we went to their home to offer our condolences. Dawn was asleep but we had a nice, "spiritual" visit with Bill. As we were about to leave, Dawn came into the room. When she embraced us and thanked us for coming, I was flooded with the sweetest love for her, unlike anything I had ever felt before. We drove away, and I remember thinking that what we had experienced in their home is what the Gospel is really all about: love for others, gratitude, obedience to Gospel principles, and even death.

I expected that after a while the extraordinary love for Dawn would go away, but it didn't. A Church calling brought us together quite frequently, and a sweet friendship grew between us. I couldn't understand what I was feeling for her, but I knew it was from the Lord because every thought and desire I had towards her deepened my desire to do what's right and draw closer to the Lord. I immersed myself in the scriptures and other Church materials. My prayer life improved. I began attending the temple regularly. My relationship with my husband improved. I felt much more love for the people in the Ward and neighborhood - I forgot all about the Bloomington Blues. My discontent about having a modest home and not much money disappeared, and I became very grateful for our many blessings. I felt closer to the Lord than I ever had before. I knew that He knew me as an individual, and that the love I had for Dawn was filled with His Spirit - it was a gift from Him to help bring about a much-needed spiritual rebirth.

That intense love lasted for about three and a half years, then it became a "sisterly" kind of love that remains to this day. The influence of that experience stayed with me for a long time, but as life went on, financial and other challenges came along, we moved, my health deteriorated, and I again found myself feeling quite alienated from the Spirit. I continued to "go through the motions," however, as I knew that obedience is vital even when we can't feel what we'd like to. There were times of spiritual lifting, but for the most part I felt pretty dry. We lived in Summit from 1988 to 1991, and during most of that time I taught the Gospel Doctrine class, for which I was very grateful. It kept me reading the scriptures, etc.

We moved back to Bloomington in 1991. We were welcomed into our old Ward, and I was happy to be there. One of the women I went visiting teaching to was suffering from the Bloomington Blues and had quit going to Church because of it (she wasn't really "converted," anyway, but that was her excuse for not going). Her attitude and other complaints I heard about the lack of friendliness in the Ward (which I didn't really think was true) caused me to look within myself. I had to admit that I wasn't the kind of loving neighbor and Ward member that I should be. So I began praying that the Lord would help me love others more.

As a result, I was blessed with another experience with "spirit-filled" love. This time it was for someone I didn't know at all, and how it came about was quite unique. The above-mentioned woman I went visiting teaching to loaned me a talk on video by a faithful member of the Church. As I watched it I experienced an extraordinary sense of kinship or familiarity with him, and I was filled with the same kind of love I had had for Dawn. I came to know this "brother" mostly through listening to his tape talks and music, but over time there were a number of opportunities to greet him personally. We corresponded occasionally by mail, and a sort of long-distance frienship came about. Again, every thought towards him took my heart, mind, and desires to the Lord. In fact, this time the love provided me with even greater love for others, greater spiritual blessings, experiences, and enlightenment than before. I don't even know how to describe such love, except to say it is full of the Spirit of the Lord. It gradually diminished after about eight years, and I've really missed it. I don't miss the "person," but I miss the love. Living under its influence is the greatest spiritual blessing that I know of. I believe having that kind of love is living with the Spirit of the Lord. It definitely brings about spiritual rebirth, and it is the greatest motivation for "true and humble" righteousness that I know of.

Incidentally, with both experiences, much pleading in prayer to better understand what I was feeling resulted in confirmation that I had loved and associated with them in the pre-existence, and that the love was renewed here to help me grow spiritually. I am very grateful for what I received during those two special periods in my life. I believe, though, that for most of us total rebirth is a life-long process, not something that happens once and is good until death.